Written the evening of December 29th, 1998...
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I'm looking back and realizing a whole year has gone by. More things have changed. I'm also beginning to define my character in this great play I call a life. Of course, whenever I get things figured out, I get another curve ball thrown out at me... and as much as I hate baseball, that's the best analogy I can think of at the moment.
What amazes me is that I've been part of a couple for three months now. Not only is it amazing that someone has tolerated my dramatic mood swings and indecisiveness about everything and anything, but it's downright scary. Sometimes I still don't know if I'm cut out for all of this relationship stuff. It can be entirely too complicated, and I don't like feeling that I need someone for my emotional well being. Dependence can turn ugly so quickly. I don't want to be one of those head over heels girls who call their boyfriends constantly and pause to look at a bridal gown when out with her friends. I don't want to be referred to as someone's other half. Yet that's where I am... I'm someone's other half trying to stay afloat and keep my own identity without taking the easy way out, being consumed within his. What angers me is how he's so comfortable with how things are. That sounds weird, I know, but it just drives me nuts at times. He has my love, I have his, and all is well... but it's not. It bothers me that we're forming patterns of do's and don't's so quickly. Everything is becoming so predictable and so right. It's supposed to be so comfortable this way, but it's not. I've been told that this is my fear of commitment acting up. I've been told that I run away from what's really the problem. Then there's the other side which says there's got to be something wrong if I'm feeling this way, that it's not necessarily me. All I know is that I have all of these urges to run screaming from him and to force myself into extreme isolation to figure out all of my problems. However, when I try to run, he looks at me with those beautiful eyes of his and smiles that little smile and I lose all resolve. Of course, the sad part is that it's only a matter of time before I go back to my angst filled, depression where I'm not sure if everything or anything is right. For now I'll just keep with my circles. It's easier that way until I figure out what I want and then am able to stick to it. The year is almost over and I should be thinking of some deeply meaningful resolution. I think I'll just stick to something easy this year like being nicer to myself. I'm always going to be uncertain about things. I just hope that one day I'll be okay with that. |